Out of order

Yeah, I know I was posting about surgery, but today I just don't feel like facing it. 


I don't know what it is~~is it the fact I am almost at my 25th wedding anniversary, is it the fact I have to pack lube in my carry on bags, is it the fact that some days I really hate the fact o.c. runs in my family? The list could go on, but today it's just weighing heavily on my mind. 


The fact that what I thought I was going to save on feminine supplies and now I have to spend that money on waxing, depilatories, and moisturizers and I mean moisturizers for everything!! You can read all the books you want, but until it is your body and everything needs moisturized, you just really stick your head in the sand and say "not me". Well, I am here to tell you, "yes, you."
And yes, it sucks!!


Am I angry? You bet your bottom dollar I am!! Angry at the fact o.c. took my grandmother, tried to take my mom, that I am high risk, angry I had to enter menopause at 45, angry that now what does not grow on my legs now grows on my face!! 


This is not my fate, it is my journey. Don't get me wrong, I would make this same decision again. I can't exactly put it into words~~let me say this~~I am in a unique group of people who can call themselves "Previvors" We are definitely a unique group of people. We have not been through chemo or radiation, we have not heard the doctors tell us we have cancer. What we have heard is the doctors tell us we are high risk for certain cancers. That gives us our own unique problems. What do we do with the test results? Who do we have to chat with and share our problems with? Can we chat with survivors and then feel guilty that we are o.k., that we didn't have to go through chemo or a cancer diagnosis.


Take for example just a simple call to the doctor~~I need to make an appointment for a transvaginal ultrasound~~you have to explain not only to the person with whom you make your appointment that you don't have a "diagnosis" that your diagnosis is "high risk for o.c.", then you explain to the tech that you don't have cancer, that  you are high risk. You just feel like pinning a post it to your forehead saying: "I do not have a cancer diagnosis, I am high risk, but still have to take all the same precautions." 


People tell me I am brave for doing what I did--and I think I addressed this in another post--I am not brave, just scared that I would get o.c. I am still at risk for developing it and breast cancer. 


Hell, yes, I am still angry and for some reason it's weighing heavily on my mind today, I don't have a support group, I need to make one for myself. I guess Facebook here I come to create my own page for o.c. previvor.