It's all in how you say it

There are a few things that stick out in my mind leading up to my surgery date and two of those things are in the wording.


The first: I was readying to head to do some grocery shopping so there would be easy meals to prepare--things my husband and son could do with ease and that I would like to eat. At this point, I was not sure if anyone would be helping us out. So, off I go and DH asks where I am going. So, I told him that I was going to get a few things that would be easy for him and DS to fix for the next couple weeks and he looks at me, in all seriousness and says "don't worry about us, we can do for ourselves." 


Now I know I had to have had the blankest stare on my face. I was trying really hard not to just look at him and say "What about me? I would like to eat something the next couple weeks!!"


So, I went shopping. This trip also included picking up a few things I would most likely need for my recovery period. A couple body pillows, pillow cases for those pillows, stool softener--having a bowel movement after having had my muscles cut didn't sound like fun, a few treats, panty-liners for the spotting I was told I would have, female wipes.


I also made a trip to the KY section of the store. I knew from my research that I would not have any more natural lubrication. The extent of no natural lubrication did not hit until we were together the first time after my recovery period. I know am the proud owner of a few different types of KY. More on those later.


One of the harder purchases I had to make was antibacterial soap. I was told at my surgical consultation I would need to shower in antibacterial soap the morning of my surgery. Taking a shower with antibacterial soap did not sound like fun, I guess it's not meant to be. So, I decided that if I had to use it, why not smell good?! I went to Bath and Body Works and purchased Caribbean Adventure. Sounds like a little thing, huh? There were lots of little things.


The second, it's all in how you say it was this line my DH said the same weekend--"I am just going to stay up all night on Sunday before your surgery so that when they are working on you I can just sleep."


HUH?! Working on me?! I am NOT a car going in for a tire rotation and oil change. They are taking very vital parts out of me that tell my body I am female, that make me wet when I am turned on, that keep my PH level in balance.


Once again, for whatever reason, I was able to keep my mouth shut. That is, until I called my sister in law. I told her I could not believe what her brother had said~~"while they work on me!!" I know it's a "man" thing, the way they word things, but still, it's MAJOR surgery, not an oil change!!! After my call to her, I was feeling better, but still, to this day, I will never forget what he said. I try not to hold it against him, as a matter of fact, I can look back on it with a smile.


Now we are down to the week prior to surgery. Only five more days of work, one more weekend where I will be "normal". A weeks worth of showers where I won't have scars. A weeks worth of dinners before I am not "me", where I will be "different". I spent a lot of time mad this week and it manifested itself on Tuesday prior to surgery and unfortunately, it's all in how you say was on me this time.

Uncertainty and anxiety

Well, I had the next couple months to mull over what I was going to do. In the mean time, we had to ready for the next couple IHRA Nitro Jam events, I had the usual work to do, life went on as usual, much to my chagrin.


I had my ups and downs, lots of downs. When you are facing a future without hormones, without all the parts you came into the world with, it leaves you with lots of questions.


I could find all sorts of physical questions answered, but the emotional ones were the ones I could not find the answers to, at least the emotional questions I had. 


Yeah, there have been lots of women who have had hysterectomies and oophorectomies, but I was doing this out of a choice, not because of something I already had. My own mother had been through menopause, had a total hysterectomy/oophorectomy, but when it's YOUR body, your women parts, your ovaries, your fallopian tubes, it's all very different.


I remember in January, at Palm Beach Nitro Jam I had horrible PMS and the race car did not perform as it should have, the whole body came off the chassis~~at least this time it was in one piece~~unlike the time in Richmond the prior October when it was in 100 pieces~~I had fans wanting to talk to me in Palm Beach~~I really wanted nothing to do with them. Other friends racing with us wanted to reach out to me and ask if I was o.k. after seeing my husband blow his car to kingdom come again and I was short with them. At least I had enough courage to tell them I didn't want to talk at the moment, that I would talk to them later, I had the courage to go back to them and apologize to them for being short with them. I tried to be calm and collected with the fans and failed, miserably. I was short with not only my husband, but the crew. At one point my husband tried to come into our trailer to reassure me and all I could do was to tell him he had better leave~~which he did. 


Much to the credit of the crew~~Josh, Jim, and my husband John, they did not mention what had happened until I brought it up the next day on the way home.


I didn't want my family being on egg shells because of me, but I couldn't help myself. I was on edge myself and it boiled over and had an effect on my whole life.


Off to Baton Rouge in February, still blowing up, but only the burse panels this time. 


The beginning of March rolls around and I have my last period. Ironically, the daughter of a friend started her period the same week. Cycle of life. It still continues no matter what.


March 1 I decided to go really public about what I had decided. I sent out a mass email, I posted on Facebook, I started telling my customers that I would be having surgery and why I chose instant menopause. I told them to ask away if they had any questions. I had a greater than 60% chance of developing ovarian cancer, plain and simple.


People posted their support, sent back messages, some didn't do either one. Some surprised me by their lack of support, but whatever, it wasn't their problem, it's mine. Sometimes when they hear the word "cancer" they think the worse. 


I live in a small town with a huge rumor mill. I didn't want to be on my deathbed. I wanted to get out the word that there is a way to prevent this, that when a woman goes to have her yearly exam, all they are screening for is cervical cancer. That unless you have a family history or symptoms, you will never be screened for ovarian cancer. A lot and I mean a LOT of women don't realize this. You have to ASK to have the transvaginal ultrasound and the CA-125 test. It's not part of a normal exam procedure.


Two weeks to go. Last period. Last couple weekends that I will still have all my parts that came into the world with. You keep track of all the "last" things  you are doing. You count down the showers you take, the dishes you do, the meals you cook, the days at work.


Talk about anxiety and uncertainty.


Will I still be "me"? Will I feel "hollow"? Will I feel "different"? 


Facing the future at this point was very uncertain, at least in my mind. I knew I had a future, that was a great thing. I knew I would have many more birthdays, get to see my grandson, get to see another sunset, get to see another sunrise. Facing the future without hormones, that was different. How would it affect me, my family? How would I cope? 


Renee told me a good thing that got me through some of the tougher moments, she said that these emotions are like a donkey, you can let that donkey ride you and be in control or you can ride the donkey and take control of those emotions, the choice was mine. 


Unfortunately, for me and my family, I spent a lot of time being pissed off--if I was mad, I felt, I would not cry about it. They had to walk on egg shells a lot. I tried to be in control, but felt my whole world was careening out of control. 


I have never been mad at my mom or grandmother for giving me these genes. Yeah, it's crossed my mind more than once and I know my mom feels responsible, but it's the luck of the draw, I could very well have gotten things from the other side of my family, could very well be prone to heart disease still, but for now, I know I have the genetic mutation for HBOC. 


A little less uncertainty, I know I most likely won't get ovarian cancer. Still have about a 25% chance of getting breast cancer. Those are odds I can live with, for now.

Opinions, solicited and otherwise

O.k., so I have been poked and prodded and in various states of undress for a day. I got lunch out of it with my husband~~this was the highlight of the day.

The surgeon my oncologist recommended is about half an hour from my home. I was given a couple options for appointment times, got that scheduled, then the Dr.'s office calls to do any preliminary paper work, once again. Not a problem until the nurse asks for symptoms. Once again, I have to go through the explanation I don't have symptoms, this is preventative.

I got to the OBGYN surgeon and immediately liked her. Her bedside manner is nice enough, she had a firm handshake, got immediately to the point without being abrupt. Thank God I did not have to undergo any exam at this point!!!

She gave me my options, told me what she suggested, what she would do. We chatted about it and decided the bilateral salpingo oophorectomy was the way to go. She had the lab results, the family history, what other conclusion was there? I agreed to just the oophorectomy. She suggested looking at a bilateral mastectomy. For now, I can live with the risk of breast cancer. I am very built, a 40DD. Surgery and reconstruction would be massive, not just physically, but mentally. I already agreed to let her put me into menopause, there was no way she was going to take the ta-ta's too!!!

Now to set a date. Now, you have to keep in mind we begin our racing season at the end of January. My appointment was mid-January. 

Her first suggestion, Feb. 14!! No way on God's green earth was I going to associate that holiday, even a "Hallmark" holiday like that one with having this surgery. A surgery, that for all intents and purposes, at least in my mind, would take out my "woman parts". March 14 became my surgery date.

Now, opinions differ. Among doctors, family, friends, you name it. Through all this, my mom was ramming--or so I felt--her opinion down my throat. I know she meant well, but still, it was a decision to be made between my husband and myself. She wanted me to see a specialist. A gynecological oncologist. And, on top of it all, the one she wanted me to see was probably just about four hours north of me. So, going to see him--which I wanted a female surgeon--was not all that feasible for me. It would have meant early days, late nights, and possibly even overnight to get up there and back. I was perfectly comfortable with my choices. Finally, when she talked with her Dr. about my surgery and I got the paper work telling me about this surgeon, just a print out of his practice, what he does, where he was located--general information--I had finally had it. I had to call her and tell her that what she was doing was making me really pissed off. That she had to back off and let us make our own decisions. That if I had cancer, I would probably look into see a g.o., but for now, I don't so let me make my own decision. It sound so nice here in black and white--it was much harder actually telling her. 

So, I leave the surgeon's office loaded with paperwork, insurance information I have to work on from home, phone numbers, stuff I have to do the day of surgery, all sorts of information. Still, it hasn't really sunk in what menopause will be, what it will be like, will I wake up feeling the same, will I feel hollow, will I still be "me".

You can do all sorts of research on line, but until it's you, it's all different, it's someone else's body, not yours. 

I spent a lot of time looking up BSO, menopause, sexual problems, vaginal dryness, mood changes, hormone replacement, no hormone replacement, hot flashes, night sweats.........the list seemed like doomsday some times. Trying to be informed, some times even being overwhelmed by opinions--they are just like ass-holes~~everyone has one!!!