Well, I had the next couple months to mull over what I was going to do. In the mean time, we had to ready for the next couple IHRA Nitro Jam events, I had the usual work to do, life went on as usual, much to my chagrin.
I had my ups and downs, lots of downs. When you are facing a future without hormones, without all the parts you came into the world with, it leaves you with lots of questions.
I could find all sorts of physical questions answered, but the emotional ones were the ones I could not find the answers to, at least the emotional questions I had.
Yeah, there have been lots of women who have had hysterectomies and oophorectomies, but I was doing this out of a choice, not because of something I already had. My own mother had been through menopause, had a total hysterectomy/oophorectomy, but when it's YOUR body, your women parts, your ovaries, your fallopian tubes, it's all very different.
I remember in January, at Palm Beach Nitro Jam I had horrible PMS and the race car did not perform as it should have, the whole body came off the chassis~~at least this time it was in one piece~~unlike the time in Richmond the prior October when it was in 100 pieces~~I had fans wanting to talk to me in Palm Beach~~I really wanted nothing to do with them. Other friends racing with us wanted to reach out to me and ask if I was o.k. after seeing my husband blow his car to kingdom come again and I was short with them. At least I had enough courage to tell them I didn't want to talk at the moment, that I would talk to them later, I had the courage to go back to them and apologize to them for being short with them. I tried to be calm and collected with the fans and failed, miserably. I was short with not only my husband, but the crew. At one point my husband tried to come into our trailer to reassure me and all I could do was to tell him he had better leave~~which he did.
Much to the credit of the crew~~Josh, Jim, and my husband John, they did not mention what had happened until I brought it up the next day on the way home.
I didn't want my family being on egg shells because of me, but I couldn't help myself. I was on edge myself and it boiled over and had an effect on my whole life.
Off to Baton Rouge in February, still blowing up, but only the burse panels this time.
The beginning of March rolls around and I have my last period. Ironically, the daughter of a friend started her period the same week. Cycle of life. It still continues no matter what.
March 1 I decided to go really public about what I had decided. I sent out a mass email, I posted on Facebook, I started telling my customers that I would be having surgery and why I chose instant menopause. I told them to ask away if they had any questions. I had a greater than 60% chance of developing ovarian cancer, plain and simple.
People posted their support, sent back messages, some didn't do either one. Some surprised me by their lack of support, but whatever, it wasn't their problem, it's mine. Sometimes when they hear the word "cancer" they think the worse.
I live in a small town with a huge rumor mill. I didn't want to be on my deathbed. I wanted to get out the word that there is a way to prevent this, that when a woman goes to have her yearly exam, all they are screening for is cervical cancer. That unless you have a family history or symptoms, you will never be screened for ovarian cancer. A lot and I mean a LOT of women don't realize this. You have to ASK to have the transvaginal ultrasound and the CA-125 test. It's not part of a normal exam procedure.
Two weeks to go. Last period. Last couple weekends that I will still have all my parts that came into the world with. You keep track of all the "last" things you are doing. You count down the showers you take, the dishes you do, the meals you cook, the days at work.
Talk about anxiety and uncertainty.
Will I still be "me"? Will I feel "hollow"? Will I feel "different"?
Facing the future at this point was very uncertain, at least in my mind. I knew I had a future, that was a great thing. I knew I would have many more birthdays, get to see my grandson, get to see another sunset, get to see another sunrise. Facing the future without hormones, that was different. How would it affect me, my family? How would I cope?
Renee told me a good thing that got me through some of the tougher moments, she said that these emotions are like a donkey, you can let that donkey ride you and be in control or you can ride the donkey and take control of those emotions, the choice was mine.
Unfortunately, for me and my family, I spent a lot of time being pissed off--if I was mad, I felt, I would not cry about it. They had to walk on egg shells a lot. I tried to be in control, but felt my whole world was careening out of control.
I have never been mad at my mom or grandmother for giving me these genes. Yeah, it's crossed my mind more than once and I know my mom feels responsible, but it's the luck of the draw, I could very well have gotten things from the other side of my family, could very well be prone to heart disease still, but for now, I know I have the genetic mutation for HBOC.
A little less uncertainty, I know I most likely won't get ovarian cancer. Still have about a 25% chance of getting breast cancer. Those are odds I can live with, for now.
No comments:
Post a Comment